


How Babies are Made

by arcaneApathy



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Birth, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:00:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23067376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arcaneApathy/pseuds/arcaneApathy
Summary: Crowley is dumb
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18





	How Babies are Made

"They looked so cold, poor things, and she's expecting already!" The principality continued babbling on, wringing his hands together. Crawly, for the most part, tuned him out past that line.

Crawly furrowed his brows, lips forming the start to a question never spoken. Expecting what? What exactly was she expecting? The saying was rather ominous, he thought. 

He was brought back to the real world when asked a question. He returned his focus to their conversation, and continued on with life.

-

"Oi, Shem! That unicorn's gonna make a run for it!" Crawly watched as the unicorn ran off and shrugged, "Ah, it's too late. It's too late!" A pause. He considered chasing it, but shrugged. They'd be fine. "You still got one of 'em!" 

-

"Nanny? How are babies made?" Nanny Ashtoreth pressed her lips together, scouring her memory. "That, my dearest Warlock, is a very good question. Ask your mother." She smiled sweetly, laying a kiss on his forehead before covering him.

-

Crowley found a cat with a sweeping belly outside his flat, crying and flearidden. He couldn't very well leave it there, so he took it inside, snapping up a miracle bed next to his own. Another miracle or several had the cat cleaned up and restored to its glory, a creamy white with orange flecks. Yet the one thing he couldn't seem to fix was its unnaturally swollen belly. He'd just ask Azzie in the morning. With a yawn, he stretched and curled up in bed, promptly passing out.

This was not ideal. No, this was the opposite of ideal. Waking up with a yowling cat on top of him, pushing heaven-hell-whoever knows what out of its rear. He did not need to wake up to this creature dripping fluids on him. "Zira? Come fast. Please." He carefully scooted out of bed, hanging up. Aziraphale could wait to hear this until he got here. 

He could have used a miracle, yes, but anything to get out of that room. He went to fetch a bucket of cold water and some rags, even as he wasn't sure if it would help. 

Oh, Aziraphale couldn't have come soon enough. Thank someone when he did, too, because he set right to work, while Crowley stood by helplessly. What is one supposed to do when their house guest is crying and expelling fluids from their lumpy body? Wonder what went wrong, that's what. What did this cat do to deserve this pain, what did Crowley do to deserve this, and why wasn't Aziraphale more freaked out?

Agonizing hours later, Crowley watched in horror as a kitten came out of the cat, followed by three more. The yowling had stopped but now there were four wet squirming mewling things. "Crowley? Crowley, dear."

"Mhm?"

"She has four healthy kittens. Congratulations." Aziraphale smiled, washing his hands in the bucket.

"Right, kittens. Four. Huh." He stared at the five cats, each of them similar but different. "They.. those," he tried.

"What is it, dear?" Aziraphale looked to him, concern in his eyes.

"Those came out of the other cat."

After a short silence, some thinking, and furrowed brows, Aziraphale sighed. "Crowley, do you know how babies are made?"


End file.
